God Has Bad Hair Days
Have you ever noticed that just when you have figured out exactly how to do your life perfectly, fathomed the mystery of why the sky is blue, just when you have conquered your fear of getting old, fat and incontinent, just when you have felt bliss, understood Einstein and realised you have actually always been extremely good looking, that THAT is precisely when God decides to remind you that you are only a shaved monkey ?
After all that work on yourself, your decor, your thighs, your latest artistic masterpiece, after all those tedious weekend workshops on love and peace and the flower of life, all those painful yoga pretzels, after all that bum slash mind numbing meditation, you would think that God would back off with the crappy karma and kick in with the causeless mercy or at least a medium sized helping of gratis grace...
But it aint necessarily so my friends, and do you know why ? Because even God almighty has bad hair days.
God wakes up some days and says to Himself "God I'm bored !" ( He actually says "Me I'm bored", but He didn't think you would get the joke. After all, you are only a shaved monkey...)
"What can an omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent being do to get a laugh around here ? I'm tired of all this being omni everything anyway, it just doesn't do it for me any more. I know ! Today I am going to pretend that I am not God almighty but a pig farmer in Tunisia. Goddess ! Bring me my pig farmer dungarees and the donkey."
"Here we go again, oh God..." Goddess sighs. She knows the power has long ago gone to God's head. She has had to clean up after His little forays almost since the beginning of creation. But She patiently assembles the pig farming bits because She loves Him. Anyway, there's literally Hell to pay for disobedience so there is no point trying to talk sense to Him.
And verily, so it comes to pass that after God's short holiday slumming it with the pigs and His little shaved monkey children, being worshipped and adored for being Himself is once again a prospect most appealing. But unfortunately for us, while He is blithely mucking out the stys He takes His all-seeing eye off the ball for a split nano-moment and the perfect hologram-in-balance operating good and bad, tit for tat, eyes for eyes and teeths for tooths forsooth etc, otherwise known as the "Life on Earth Experiment", slides a little to the left and gets slightly blurry around the edges for a wee while.
Trees fall in the forest to the sound of invisible
one-handed people clapping. Cars drive through red lights and get free
movie passes and a dinner invitation from the Rotary Club and your paltry little program for
self improvement including yoga pretzels and new wallpaper swatches gets either completely ignored
or your cat dies in a bizarre microwave incident and your pants end up on you backwards.
When the Divine He ambles in exhausted and reeking of garlic and pig poop the next week, Goddess, observing Her restless lover's dread-locks, laughs and says "Come on, I'll run you a hot bath...for the love of Merlin..."(God hates it when she says that. Merlin was HER idea and he's always been a tad jealous. He suspects they had a love affair just to add spice to the relationship but He knows it's bullshit because He's all the omnis. The Divine psychological profile being what it is, Goddess has always had Her work cut out...)
"Pass me the afro comb, Gerald. Pee-yooh !"
(Most people do not know that Gerald is actually God's real name, as in "Hark, the Gerald angels sing". He changed it by deed poll in the late BC's as He thought it dated Him. {And you thought YOU were vain, but hey, don't take HIS name in vain, He's touchy on that point....})
And so you see, my fellow science experiments, as you go about your day to day, working ever so diligently, as we all know you do because you never shut up about it, to be the nicest, healthiest, smartest, strongest, bravest, cleverest, humblest, sexiest-whilst-remaining-impeccably-spiritually-sanitary person you can possibly be, hoping against hope to chalk up ever bigger brownie points on the Richter Scale of Wonderfulness in God's Good Book of Eternal Surveillance, just remember that you are actually only trying to earn God's Love which is something that is already completely freely given at your inception in the form of the very Primal Goo you are fashioned from seeing as you are one of His Beloved Brats after all, so really, all your monumentally mammoth endeavors are a tiny tad pointless, and you"d best be just enjoying your own wonderful choices and your yummy unique "you-ness", because there is every likelihood that God is off in Arizona somewhere doing a New Age book-signing tour, drinking Moet and hobnobbing with His ever evengelical entourage and will be too busy today and too buggered tomorrow to give a flying-fox about one little shaved monkey child in 6 billion or so, no matter how good or terribly impressive your pretzels obviously are......
Disclaimer : I have not slept with this guy
